It has been a tough couple of days. I know that in my last post, or wait, last, last post I touched on how I feel like my life is passing me by, I have no friends, basically that my life sucks. And then I resolved that I would find a way to break out of my rut.
Which I did. Well kind of.
First, I felt really sorry for myself. Became borderline depressed. Was not able to retain a smile on my face at work which is really unacceptable for me. And then my lunch partner, who I honestly am really sick of, wanted to stop having lunch with me, probably because I've been kind of passive aggressive to her and just disinterested, which made me a bit lonely and sad because now I have NO ONE to eat with. Which is mildly depressing when lunch is usually the bit you're supposed to look forward to at work. But no, I look forward to the work.
And then I thought about how I basically haven't done anything much in life, despite being relatively smart. That I'm not really living up to my potential. And that I honestly feel like I'm just sad and lonely.
I managed to snap myself out of that funk though and really thought about it and figured out that the best way to get over it is to actually do something and to get busy. So here was the plan:
1. Get back in touch with people from WAO, do some volunteer work on the weekend
2. Join a salsa class
3. Look up potential dream companies/careers with L'oreal, etc.
4. Plan a vacation
5. Work out everyday
6. Do Back exercises everyday
7. Actually DO work at work instead of Googling or reading Beauty Blogs
8. Try to find a new lunch partner/be brave about eating alone
I did brilliantly yesterday. I e-mailed WAO people, sent my Masters recommendations off, DID work at work, was ok about eating alone.
Today was an EPIC fail. No one emailed me back. I realized I can't do salsa because my back still isn't up to it. Got irritated at my Dad because he wants to stay in an apartment in Singapore instead of a hotel. Did not work out. Was not great at work. Still have no lunch partner. Had to eat alone hunched over a novel.
And mostly I'm just very angry and very frustrated. Frustrated that I just can't seem to get out of this. Frustrated that I can't seem to make friends. Frustrated that I am not getting enough out of my job. And I'm mostly just angry that I'm frustrated and angry at everything. I just can't seem to be happy anymore and I don't know why.
I don't want to be difficult with my parents, I want to be good at work, I want to be nice and peaceable and lovely to be around.
Maybe it's just my way of telling myself that I've taken it easy for too long and that something needs to be done. I just need to find a way to be at peace with myself while I get there.
Which is why I'm writing this now. Diane von Furstenberg once said that, if you keep a diary, it will keep you." And I'm hoping to God that this keeps me because I feel like I'm going insane and that no one is helping because they can't and also because I don't want them to.
It's funny, the first year of my blog I literally could not put anything personal down. Now that it's been a year I'm pouring out my actual emotions. It mirrors the way I am with people. Very friendly, cheery and carefree initially and then later, the real messy, moody me comes out.
I better go. I think I am feeling better. Like the word vomit on this webpage is enough to stave off the madness. I hope so anyway.
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